"I’m a boy up top, but a man on the bottom."

- Dan talking about his “muscular legs”

We were saying lovey stuff to each other. And then this happened.

  • Him: Good god, look at you. You look like you're ready to go hunting and gathering. And then go feed the village children.
  • Him: You look like National Geographic.
  • Him: I'm gonna need you to go out there and get some nuts and berries.
  • Him: I'll check ya later, Dances With Wolves!
  • (So I have this super soft men's robe on from Target. I'm naked as per usual underneath. But I've been cold/hot so I don't have the my arms in the sleeves, but covering the rest of my body. See this pic for reference - 9gag.com/gag/1803968)

"I have my own Topless Asian Sweatshop Joint Roller"

  • Him: Honey?!
  • Me: Yeah?
  • Him: I think we should kill Milo, take his fur and make a coat for Winston.
  • Me: ... I think Winston has enough fur and fat to keep him warm. So.. No.
  • Him: ...(pause)... I wasn't expecting a logical and reasonable response to that. "I think we should go on a killing spree. Nah, we don't have enough gas for that..."

"Get out of the way ugly. True beauty coming through."

- I was standing in front of the mirror and Dan says this to me. He was in such a great mood this morning. Probably because his old pants fit. Lol
  • Dan: I love it when you say, "let's listen to Judas Priest", while grinding up weed and naked. And you think you got ME trained. Heh.
  • Me: (slow realization) .... Heyyy waaaaaait a minute. 😦
  • Dan: Did you fart or is that my breath?
  • Me: Definitely your breath.
  • Dan: Poop mouth.

Not gonna lie, seeing people’s failed relationships makes me feel better of my marriage. Bahah.

  • Dan: (playing online chess) Can I ever win a fucking game?!
  • Me: No. Because you suck.
  • Dan: I'm gonna punch you in your ovaries.