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Him: “this is your future ex-boyfriend. *Points out everything*: Black Chucks, black pants, black coat, black shirt, black choker, black.. Ear thingies, black hair, black eyeliner, and black lipstick.”

(*proceeds to make a pointing gesture back and forth between me and his drawing*)

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Yesterday was 4 years of legal marriage. We don’t celebrate it much but I most certainly was expecting some sexy times. Apparently he ate too much. Hah. He’s had pizza like 4 times this week, his stomach is full if carbs. *sigh*

Chat
  • Dan: I could crush your skull right now. I mean, emotionally I could. But not physically.
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Do you squirt?

So, this random guy started messaging me on FB, I try to be courteous to new “friends” and respond to them when they write me. But once he asked if he can ask me a personal question I KNEW it was gonna be something sexual. So I thought trolling him would be hilariously awesome. He was fully aware that I’m married too. Of course I showed this to my husband hah.

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"I’m a boy up top, but a man on the bottom."

- Dan talking about his “muscular legs”
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We were saying lovey stuff to each other. And then this happened.

Chat
  • Him: Good god, look at you. You look like you're ready to go hunting and gathering. And then go feed the village children.
  • Him: You look like National Geographic.
  • Him: I'm gonna need you to go out there and get some nuts and berries.
  • Him: I'll check ya later, Dances With Wolves!
  • (So I have this super soft men's robe on from Target. I'm naked as per usual underneath. But I've been cold/hot so I don't have the my arms in the sleeves, but covering the rest of my body. See this pic for reference - 9gag.com/gag/1803968)
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"I have my own Topless Asian Sweatshop Joint Roller"

-
Chat
  • Him: Honey?!
  • Me: Yeah?
  • Him: I think we should kill Milo, take his fur and make a coat for Winston.
  • Me: ... I think Winston has enough fur and fat to keep him warm. So.. No.
  • Him: ...(pause)... I wasn't expecting a logical and reasonable response to that. "I think we should go on a killing spree. Nah, we don't have enough gas for that..."
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"Get out of the way ugly. True beauty coming through."

- I was standing in front of the mirror and Dan says this to me. He was in such a great mood this morning. Probably because his old pants fit. Lol